ENGLISH JOKES 2 / Anglické vtipy 2

A job applicant wrote, „No“ to the query, „Have you ever been arrested?“
To the following question, which was „Why?“ he answered, „Never got caught.“
(query = otázka, to be arrested = byť uväznený, to be caught = byť prichytený)

Farmer: What are you doing up in that tree, boy?
Boy: One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.

A man recently appointed general in the army was in his new office when a new soldier walked in. Wishing to impress the new soldier, the general picked up the telephone and said, „Yes, Mr. President. I’m glad you like my suggestions. I’ll come by and give you a more detailed report at the White House a little later this week.“
After hanging up the telephone the general asked, „Now, soldier, what can I do for you?“
„Nothing much, sir,“ said the soldier. „I just came in to connect your telephone.“
(connect = pripojiť)

A man was driving his truck down a hill. He said to his helper sitting beside him, „I think the brakes are gone.“
The helper said, „Oh, no, what are we going to do?“
The driver said, „Don’t worry, there’s a stop sign at the bottom of the hill.“
(brakes = brzdy, stop sign = dopravná značka stop)

A boy and his girlfriend were at the movies.
„Can you see all right?“ The boy asked.
„Yes,“ the girl replied.
He then inquired, „Can you hear all right?“
„Yes,“ came the reply.
„And is your seat comfortable?“ the boy wondered.
„Very comfortable,“ the girl answered.
„In that case,“ said the boy, „would you mind changing places with me?“
(inquire = ask = vypytovať sa, reply = answer = odpoveď, comfortable = pohodlný)


What makes people bald-headed?
Lack of hair.
(bald-headed = plešatý)

Why is my little sister awfully tired?
She’s been walking since she was eight months old.

What is the world weather for rats and mice?
When it’s raining cats and dogs.
(mice = myši, to rain cats and dogs = liať ako z krhly)

What would happen if you swallowed your teaspoon?
You wouldn’t be able to stir.
(swallow = prehltnúť, stir = miešať)

Why do birds fly South?
Because it is too far to walk.

Why do white sheep eat so much more than black sheep?
Because there are so many more white sheep.
(sheep = ovca i ovce)

What do cats have that no other animals have?
(kittens = mačiatka)

How can you divide six apples among seven hungry people?
Make apple sauce.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
(fence = plot)

Julie: „Do you have any trouble making decisions?“
Jane: „Well, yes and no.“
(trouble = problém, ťažkosť, make a decision = rozhodovať sa)

Brenda: „Carol, tell me more gossip about Mike and Linda.“
Carol: „I can’t, Brenda, I’ve already told you more than I heard myself.“
(gossip = klebety)

„I fell in love with my husband at second sight.“
„You mean at first sight, don’t you?“
„No. The first time I saw him I dind’t know he was rich.“
(fall in love = zamilovať sa, at second sight = na druhý pohľad)

Wife: „Wake up, wake up! There’s a burgler in the kitchen and he’s eating the leftover stew we had for supper.“
Husband: „Go back to sleep and don’t worry, dear. I’ll bury him in the morning.“
(burgler = vlamač, leftover stew – zvyšky duseného mäsa, bury /beri/ = pochovať)

Judge: Mr. Smith, you have been brought here for drinking.“
Mr. Smith: That’s okay with me. When do we start?
(judge /džadž/ = sudca)

Boy (doing his homework): „Mum, where are the Bermudas?“
Mother: „I don’t know! If you put your things where they belong you would know where to find them.“
(Bermudas = Bermudy – ostrovy, bermudas = bermudy – šortky)

„I hope it won’t rain today,“ said the mother kangaroo. „I hate it when the children play indoors.“
(indoors = vnútri, v dome)

A ship was rocking on the waves in a storm. One elderly lady came out on the deck and asked a sailor, „Hey, isn’t your captain a little drunk?“
(rock = hojdať sa, wave = vlna, storm = búrka, elderly = starší, deck = paluba, sailor = námorník)

„Daddy, what is a flamingo?“ a five-year old asks his father.
„A kind of stupid fish.“
„Daddy, but if flies!“
„You see what a stupid fish it is!“
(flamingo = plameniak)

Two Hollywood stars overheard chatting together:
– You know, it’s my birthday next Saturday. I’ll be thirty.“
– Oh, not again!
(overhear = náhodou začuť, nechtiac/mimovoľne vypočuť)

Grandmother sent her husband to do some shopping.
„Remember,“ she told him, „there are two things I want you to get. Milk and butter.“
In one hour grandpa came back with a bag of salt only.
Grandma got angry, „I asked for two things. Where is the sugar?“


– Doctor, doctor, I’ve just swallowed a sheep.
– How to you feel?
– Very ba-a-a-a-d.
(baa /ba:/ = bééé – bľačanie ovce)

– Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.
– Sit down and tell me about it.
– I’m not allowed on the furniture.
(be not allowed = nemať dovolené, furniture = nábytok)


– Waiter, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
– Don’t worry, sir, the spider in the salad will get it.
(fly = mucha, spider = pavúk)

– Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
– Yes, sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.
(dead = mŕtva, kill = zabíjať)

– Waiter, do you serve crabs?
– Sit down, sir, we serve anybody.
(crab = krab, serve = 1. servírovať, 2. obslúžiť)

NEIGHBOURS. A young couple moves into a new neighborhood….The next morning while they are eating breakfast,the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. „That laundry is not very clean“, she said. „She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.“ Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband „Look, she has learned how to wash correctly I wonder who taught her this.“ The husband said, „I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.“

MAKING A WILL. Robert went to his lawyer and said, ‚I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.‘  The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, ‚Not a problem, leave it all to me.‘
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, ‚Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!‘

SANDWICHES. Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‚Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!‘
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

– Waiter, This meat is too hard. Why is that ?
– The problem isn’t the meat, Madam. You’re cutting the plate !

– They say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Is that true, Phil?
– Yes, it is.
– And, what does an onion do, Phil?
– It keeps everyone away.